Smart Car 30


Duke and Sheila were disturbed while still in bed early on the last Thursday of November 2091. Duke said “Sounds like Deuce’s horn. Maybe we should see what’s happening.”

A practical Sheila responded “I’m sure it’s nothing urgent, and if it were the other cars could sort it out. We’re not getting out of bed until we’re finished.  Maybe twice.”

Duke saw the wisdom in that and murmured something in her ear to which she chuckled and then they both guffawed.

A half hour later the humans got out of bed and rambled into the yard where the cars were assembled. Deuce said “Hey peeps, we cars decided we should celebrate Thanksgiving. What took you guys so long to crawl out here?”

Cars Carl and Josie, who were both well versed in both human and car sex, unlike Deuce, giggled while Sheila said “Oh, just some unfinished business”.

Josie explained “We cars thought we’d go around a circle with you humans and tell what we’re thankful for. I’ll start. I’ve known Sheila the longest, but I like all of you so much. Carl started off being a horn dog, but now he’s my forever car and I’m his. I could go all day long about the things I’m thankful for, but how about we hear from Duke on my right and continue around clockwise?”

“I’m also thankful for all of you. I’d have to put Sheila number one and Carl number two without slighting either Josie or Deuce. It’s hard to express my happiness the day that I chased Deuce down and found out that Sheila was the driver. What a thrill to be reunited with my high school girlfriend that I never got over. Carl has been my companion for many years and despite of various spats, what wonderful times we’ve had. He’s so kind he lets no talent me sing along with him. You’re on Deuce.”

“What a year it’s been for me. Elong Pike took me on a tour of the solar system with his newest rocket. He had all the Disney characters aboard as well as the cast of the latest “Cats” revival. That Donald Duck is such fun, but all of the Cats were afraid of Pluto the Disney dog. Pluto was very sympathetic to the Plutonians who complained about their planet’s downgrade to a minor status by Earth. On to Sheila, my number one.”

The other two cars did their version of confused mumbling and Sheila whispered to Duke “We’d better get Deuce checked out. It sounds like his programming caught the Pike virus.” Then she addressed the group.

“I love all of you guys. If I could change one thing, I’d wish Duke wasn’t so insecure. Don’t ever doubt my love. Besides all of you, I’m happy about the near disappearance – sorry about my small petrol habit – of fossil fuels and the damage that they cause. That along with world population decline means that we humans may not destroy the world in the next fifty years as was once expected. Your turn Carl.”

“Duke and I have had our troubles over time, but like all close friends we’ve been able to work them out. Despite me being superior in most ways the rest chuckle he’s the one that organized our trips including our English holiday. The rest of you have become family to me – but in a good way.”

Duke interrupted “Is everyone getting the message from Eugene Springfield?”

They all assented.

After the message Duke said “We’re invited Eugene Springfield’s Washington estate for Christmas. Woo-hoo.”

“I’m sorry I interrupted you Carl. Do you have any other praise for yourself and insults for me?”

“No need Duke, your faults and my talents are well known. How about we do a sing along now? You can lip sync.”

After an hour of singing, the humans returned to the house to celebrate more, Josie and Carl went to their private passion park, and Deuce studied ancient religions.


Smart Car 29

Happy Horrible Halloween 

While the cars and people were out in the yard on 30 October 2090, Duke said “This is a great day before Halloween, you might say ‘All Hallows Eve Eve”.

Sheila responded “You might, but please don’t do it again.”

Only slightly deflated Duke asked “What’s happening for the big day tomorrow?”

Deuce spoke up for the cars “It’ll be great. There’s a big parade of scary mid to late twentieth century cars. Others are masquerading as ugly cars from the era, but I can go as myself, a 1969 Dodge Charger. There will also be some replicars from then thanks to our billionaire friend Eugene Springfield.”

Sheila’s other car Josie said “I’m going as a 1959 Cadillac using CGI and prosthetic four feet high tailfins popular at the time. We first thought of going as a twin Ford and Mercury from when Ford was phasing out Mercurys and just copying Fords. Carl will be an American Motors Pacer from 1975. He thought of the Pontiac Aztec or the American Motors Gremlin, but they weren’t quite ugly enough. Rather than go to a lot of trouble, he’ll just use a cloaking program.”

Sheila asked her cars “Will there just be American cars?” 

Deuce said “There will be a few Europeans, but not many because we had a European car parade last year. How about the Czech Tatra 603, Reliant Robin three wheeler, Messerschmitt KR200 and several Volkswagens? They will be in the parade again this year. Must be seen to be believed. Some car collectors are as weird as their cars.”

Duke averred “That sounds ten times better than the human parade. You can bet that Sheila and I will be there.”

The parade started at 2 PM and lasted until 4 so people and cars could get back to tricking and treating. For the cars Carl and Josie, the shameless sex addicts, it would be trysting the night away in a secluded location performing their version of tryst and shout.

The cars put on a dynamite laser show and a two hour medley of “The Monster Mash” and other Halloween songs. Both humans and cars loved the performance.

At the end Sheila commented to Duke “I’m glad that this is one holiday that hasn’t changed much.”

“Amen my love. Now if you have some treats for me, I know some tricks for you. The treats better not have calories because I need to lose four or five kilograms.”