Smart Car 25


Duke looked out his front window while drinking coffee and was shocked to see all three cars – Carl, Josie and Deuce in pieces in the yard. He rushed out to find what had happened. Before he could get a close look at the debris, he heard honking from the back of the house and all of the cars assembled undamaged. They sang in harmony “Fooled the fool, ha ha ha.”

A happy Duke told the cars “That was a really good joke, I believed it completely. How did you do it?”

Josie volunteered “We had a human friend fabricate parts of us and scatter them on the yard. I guess that makes us the prank winners.”

Duke smiled broadly and agreed “It sure does. As a reward, I’ll do a two hour comedy routine to amuse all of you.”

Before the cars could react, Duke punched a button on a remote and told them, “Just to be sure that you stick around for my primo material, I’ve used my gadget that immobilizes and silences cars for blocks around.”

I won’t torture the readers as the cars were tortured, but this should give you an idea:

“Why is a sick raptor against the law? Because it is ill eagle.”

“I was asked what a broken off tree is called, but I was stumped.”

“If you know the way to San Jose, you are smarter than Dionne Warwick.”

Those were the good ones. Given the level of abuse, even Duke’s silencer couldn’t completely mute the groaning from the cars.

An hour and fifteen minutes into Duke’s standup, an old woman who looked like Sheila, but fifty years older, came out and asked “What’s up?”

Duke deactivated the immobilizer / silencer and he and the cars asked “Who are you?”

The woman said “Don’t be silly Duke, I’m your wife Sheila.”

All the cars and Duke assumed that Sheila got herself made up to look old. To test it, Duke caressed her face which seemed completely natural. Next he grasped her saggy butt which also seemed natural. That got him a swift kick from ‘Sheila’.

“Sheila, what happened?  How did you age like that overnight?”

Sheila then came through the door laughing. “Meet my grandmother for whom I’m named. Both of us are Sheila. I snuck her into the house last night so I could out fool you fools.”

Duke and the cars were more relieved than irritated. The humans had some brandy and everyone was glad the pranks were over. Before they could get comfortable, Deuce yelled “It’s a meteor headed right for us.”

Indeed a flaming round object was headed from great altitude at speed. The people jumped into Carl and they all started fleeing. Before they could get far, the object from the sky slowed and landed gently on the lawn.

A door started to creak open. The people and cars had images of War Of The Worlds and other extraterrestrial attacks, but their old friend Eugene Springfield, a human billionaire emerged. “What do you think of my newest invention? I think with a little tinkering, it will greatly advance space exploration. If not that, it can be used for special parties like today.”

Deuce told Eugene “Greatest prank of the day.”

The elder Sheila argued, no it was young Sheila.

Carl and Josie said, “We were best and Duke was lame.”

Duke threatened another hour of standup, which caused the two cars to drop it.


Smart Car 24

Saint Patrick’s Day

Duke wandered out into the yard and asked “Hey cars, do you know what day it is?”

The cars chorused “St. Patrick’s Day, the day that celebrates the patron saint of Ireland.”

Duke told the cars “It is a special day for me because I’m 8% Irish or something like that. About the same percentage indigenous American, but I don’t know the rest. I’m something of a mutt. More to the point, I love corned beef and cabbage, hold the cabbage. What do you guys know about Ireland?”

Josie the car said “I love Oscar Wilde. ‘I can resist anything but temptation’. He really was wild. He suffered greatly from the prejudices of his place and time, not that people are perfect now.”

Deuce the car chimed in with “The Irish are known for their artists, actors, writers and poets – James Joyce, George Bernard Shaw, and William Butler Yeats in the past and now they dominate European cinema with the Dublin studios. The biggest movie this year was the Collin Studios production of “Mindphone Romance”.

Sheila walked out into the yard with a cup of Irish coffee in hand and contributed “Some of those Irish actors earlier in the century were really yummy – Pierce Brosnan, Liam Neeson.”

Duke added “Even earlier, one more to my liking – Maureen O’Hara”.

Carl the car said “Let me tell you what I know about Irish-English history. Ed. Note. The two hour speech was deleted because we hope to get this published in a UK journal.

Sheila said “Back on topic. Saint Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland. He is known for driving the snakes out of Ireland.”

Around that time, the gang looked at Josie and noticed that she had been performing her favorite Van Morrison songs – Gloria, Moondance, Domino and others at increasing volume. Like a few virtuoso cars, she could sing, make the orchestration all while talking.

Deuce said “I drove the hyenas out of Oregon.”

Sheila told him “But there never were hyenas in Oregon”

“There weren’t any snakes in Ireland either.”

Duke returned from the house with a bottle and three glasses and told the cars “You can do what you like to celebrate Saint Patrick’s day – the humans are having some good Irish whiskey.”

Josie said “I’m turning green for Saint Patrick’s day.”

Duke asked “Aren’t you good environmentally now?”

“No, what I meant is that I’m literally green. I can switch colors. See – I’m green now.”

Deuce said “Based on what I know of Irish history, I’m going to mess with people. I’m going with orange and green stripes.”

Josie added “I’ve never been told and I haven’t looked in a mirror. What color am I?”

Carl told her “Deep Purple, my favorite color.”

Josie took a break from Van Morrison and sang the American standard “Deep Purple” as a duet with male and female voices, followed by Deep Purple’s oldie “Smoke On The Water”. The odd coupling didn’t have any known Irish connection, but everyone loved her performance. Duke and Sheila clapped and Carl and Deuce honked.

Despite some foolish and even dangerous behavior, the humans and cars all survived Saint Patrick’s day safely.