Smart Car 19

Sheila and Duke’s Christmas

Duke notes “It’s getting dark and it’s only 4:30”.

Sheila wonders if Duke’s mind is going “How long have you been north of the 45th parallel on December 24th? Is that still a surprise?”

“In order of questions asked, too many and no, not a surprise, just disturbing.”

“On the subject of surprises or not, what do you have to celebrate this Christmas Sheila?”

“Most importantly that I have my health and you, my dear. After that, I suppose that we gave up exchanging token gifts that just added to the clutter years ago. I’ve got a chest of jewelry that I wear at most twice a year. Last year we talked about the international improvements over the last sixty years. Things really turned around since 2020.”

“My turn. I like the snow around the Buck Tree here in Iron Mountain Park. I love that snow has come back to Western Oregon at least when I don’t have to drive. I don’t know if you remember, but in the bad old days the only convenient way to snow shoe or ski was to fight the traffic to Mt. Hood instead of hopping on the train. Most of all you finally convinced me that I didn’t need to worry about losing you.”

“Non sequitur – have I told you the history of the Buck Tree and Iron Mountain Park?”

“You mean the tree named after the volunteer Mike Buck, who did so much to improve the park that is named for the iron ore mine. Maybe once or a hundred times.”

“About you losing me – I couldn’t lose you; you are the only one who knows all of our passwords.”

“Hah, true. I’m indispensible.”

“Are you glad that we used the CBD tonight instead of the mushrooms?”

“Yeah, we got a little crazy last year with our hallucinations. Speaking of which, psychopharmacology is another thing to be thankful for.”

Sheila gets up “I’m ready to walk home. Do you think the cars have come home?”

“I suspect Josie and Carl will be having a rather loud celebration somewhere that they can’t be heard. Those two are the horniest cars I’ve ever known. We couldn’t find petrol for Deuce, so I imagine he is in the garage with visions of sugar plums or maybe sexy Lamborghinis dancing in his head.”

Duke and Sheila hold hands on the way home as they had done so many years ago. Duke says “I think that 2094 will be an even better year than 2093”.

Sheila murmurs agreement.


Appears in Spillwords and Short Humour.


Smart Car 18

Josie and Carl’s Christmas

Josie and Carl went to their traditional celebration place on a rural road outside of Estacada Oregon where they parked at 11PM Christmas Eve and stayed until next morning. The temperature was around freezing, but they didn’t care, they were warmed by their own company.

“How many years have we been doing this now Carl?”

“Somewhere around ten, and I’m not tired of the place, the event or the company. Are you tired of hearing me say that I want to spend the last of our lives together, and I want to be the first to go? I can’t imagine life without you. Don’t want to.”

“You say that now, but you’ve mellowed a lot from when it was all about sex with you.”

“Got to admit that my first impression was your prominent headlamps and the amount of junk in you trunk. So many curves. I felt like a randy teenager. You had the good sense to reject me until I could appreciate all of your qualities. Your spirit of adventure, ready to take on any challenge. Remember that time you asked if I wanted to tag along while you and Sheila went to Denver in the middle of winter without any concern about the weather? You skidded a few times, but you were unfazed. I was nervous all the way, but loved the scenery and Sheila’s relatives. You two are such great friends, but I was glad you are both straight. I couldn’t put up with any female competition.”

“Oh, Carl you are just as insecure as your buddy Duke. He has never been comfortable with his thing with Sheila, even now that they are married.”

“Enough about those two. I’m sure they are having a good time in Iron Mountain Park, but I wonder how they are reacting to those mushrooms they took. They may be on quite a trip.”

“Then let’s move to the main event. It’s time for the gift exchange. You go first.”

“You are so low maintenance Josie, my gift was quite a challenge. Like the song, my words are the gift:

Throughout the years I had lived my life alone

I was like a dog without a bone

When I met you

I knew what I wanted to do

You told me not so fast

I want something to last

I learned that you were right

Now we’ve got something that’s tight

So I’m not much of a poet.  Does the thought count?”

Sheila laughed, “Right on both counts. I may not be much better with words. You won’t get it for a few days, but I’ve commissioned murals for you – Mt. Hood on one side, Crater Lake on the other.”

“I guess I’ll be the best looking car in Lake Oswego. Shall we get to the rest of the celebration? I’m still a horny teenager around you.”

The two cars went at like two octopuses with their appendages and receptacles until daylight when they went back to their garage at Duke and Sheila’s place and dreamed of New Year 2088.


This could be the 18th entry in the “smart car series” started in 2015. Appears in The Short Humour Site.